I Love Having Babies

Probably not the wisest words any man should say to his partner hours after giving birth.

On the 12th September 2019 we welcomed our baby daughter Willow into our lives. We didn’t know we would be having another girl and almost everyone we know were pretty confident it would be a boy. It just so happens they were wrong and I now have two step daughters and two daughters with my partner Louise. Louise is an amazing woman, partner and mother to our daughters and it was on our way home from the hospital that I said the words 'I love having babies.'

I can just imagine some of you reading this and thinking ‘What, you try pushing a baby out’. However I meant what I said and I'd like to believe the way in which it came across made those words less hurtful than it would otherwise seem. When Louise looked at me and asked what I meant, I could see in her eyes and her mannerism that she knew exactly where my mind was. To which she sweetly replied ‘I love you’. Reality, she was looking at me like I was a big soft marshmallow.

Images: Eliza, Myself, Eliza and my step daughters and Willow

I now have two step daughters and two daughters with my partner Louise.​

Here is my story as to why.

Before conceiving Eliza (My First Daughter) we had been trying for almost two years. Louise already had two children from her previous relationship which meant we were unable to get any help from the NHS. We had talked about privately funding IVF etc… and it was something we were going to have to seriously consider. As embarrassing as it is to admit, it was me who was the problem. I had various tests to rule out certain aspects of why but, the reality was I had a low sperm count and only 1% of that count had the right morphology (shaped head to fertilise an egg).

After receiving the news of my final test, I was absolutely devastated, realising that I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never be a father really hit me hard. Straight after my GP appointment I went to meet Louise and give her the news we had both been dreading for so long. Tearfully I told her to which she replied she had her own news. This is where our first miracle started as Louise then presented me a picture of a Positive Pregnancy test. You would think I would be delighted but I was having a hard time believing it. I tried to find every possible reason to prove that the test wasn't right. I checked the test myself and found it was out of date, so we did another one which was only a month away from being out of date. Several tests later it started to sink in but, for some reason I just didn’t seem to feel anything towards this amazing chance I was being given to actually be a biological father. I wanted to be excited and happy about this miraculous news but my whole life seemed to now lie on a plateau of feeling nothing. A level where I felt neither happy or sad, joyful or angry.  Everything was just kind of blah…. and I just plodded along with whatever was thrown at me.

Images: Just a few of the tests we went through.

'I tried to find every possible reason to prove that the test wasn't right.​'

It wasn’t until the 12 week scan that I finally perked up and got a little excited, seeing my baby moving for the first time made the news real. I finally felt something I hadn’t felt in a good while but it wasn't long until I reverted back to my level state. This time however I realised that something had to be wrong with me, what it was I didn’t really know. I picked up the courage to speak to Louise and explained I was worried that nothing seemed to matter to me and that I had no feelings for anything any longer. Not by choice, I wanted to feel things but I couldn’t. Little did I know silently Louise was noting the changes in my behaviour and it was in turn affecting her, she told me I was suffering with depression. I’d had been here before and had received therapy so her response helped me to start looking at where I could start picking my life back up. Paying attention to and sorting out aspects of my life with the biggest thing being the neglect I had given towards myself and my family.

Fast forward to the birth of Eliza.
I had been blessed with this little miracle of whom I fell in love with the moment her mother held her. My heart, just like the grinch grew so much bigger that day. It wasn't all plain sailing and they had to stay in hospital a few days before being given the all clear but, I have cherished and enjoyed every moment ever since. Experiencing this joy of fatherhood is an amazing feeling and although I have two wonderful step daughters these are moments that I missed from their lives. Eliza is now 22 months old at the time of writing this and is certainly Daddy’s little girl.

Images: Elizas' 12 week scan and Eliza in neo natal.

'It wasn’t until the 12 week scan that I finally perked up and got a little excited.'​

Louise had always wanted four children so it wasn't long until we started trying for another. Realising that our chances of a second miracle were very slim it was still worrying when it didn’t happen. I didn’t lose hope however and we were finally blessed again when we fell pregnant almost 13 months after Eliza arrived in our lives.

Fast forward again to the 12th September 2019 and Williow was born. It was then that I realised everything I had witnessed with Eliza was going to happen again, but I now have some kind of experience as to what to expect. Everything was very new with Eliza but now I am so eager to go through this journey again with Willow. Watching her first expressions, holding her in my arms, the nights of interrupted sleep, her first smile, laugh and so on. I realised that I love this journey, I love this experience and ultimately that we are so very lucky and blessed to have our little girls.

Images: Willow and her proud parents.

'Everything was very new with Eliza but now I am so eager to go through this journey again with Willow.'​

I am so thankful for Louise, I love her beyond any words I could write and although we prank and tease each other constantly, its part of who and how we are together that works. The belief in me when i'm in dark places and the gifts she has given me with our daughters is something I could never question. What she had to endure throughout each pregnancy is miraculous in itself. What a Womans body can do is absolutely tremendous.

This, is our last journey of having our own new baby. Our family is now complete and whilst the people I know comment that I am well and truly outnumbered, in reality I’m not. Four daughters, my darling Louise and me. I have my girls and they love me as much as I love them and as much as it would have been nice to have a little boy, I couldn’t be any happier and thankful for my little miracles. Miracles that I will now cherish and look after for as long as I live.